Ahoi friends,

Fair warning that this is a boring personal post that deals with subject matter I've been too paranoid to discuss openly.

For a little over a year, I've been plagued with frequent panic attacks, paranoia, night terrors/sleep paralysis, sporadic mood fluctuations, and my previously existing anxiety and depression has multiplied tenfold. I'd like to think that I've made multiple strides over the past ten years to become a better person, friend, and artist- as well as improve and understand my own mental health. Most of these efforts appeared to have been shattered as a result of a traumatic event that took place in October of 2020. As the perpetrator is known for cyber-stalking and harassment, this led me to suppress how much I share my artwork, stream, post updates, or do anything really. This was especially upsetting as I had finally started to become more active after being a ghost for so long.

I felt as if I was back in the nittiest of gritty parts of my adolescence- namely 2011. All that I had worked to accomplish was meaningless, as I was but a powerless child once again who could do nothing but endure the wrath of an alcoholic armed with a large kitchen knife as they tear through every fabric of my being. All for what? Because I chose to forgive and let this very same person back in my life, when I knew deep within my gut that leaving them was the best thing that I could have done for myself. Someone could have died that night with one mere misstep, and the slew of threats and harassment I received afterward had me an incapacitated nervous wreck, as I wasn't financially capable of moving out of my home to some place they couldn't find me at the time. I put whatever money I could towards home security rather than food. This still didn't help the paranoia, as I'd expect someone with a knife to be hiding around every corner of my home, and I'd spend many hours in dead silence, anticipating the ear-shattering static of another event. Working on art has been horrendously difficult, as with finding the courage or motivation to wake up in the first place.

The upside is that I finally managed to find a great psychiatrist. Throughout my life, I've seen several that I just haven't really been able to connect with. This one has helped me immensely in re-forming my thought process, continuing to stay away from alcohol, and I've also got a number of legal resources and a pretty great network of support. I've even managed to gain my weight back. There's still a lot of ground to be covered, but the immediate and major external issues have long since been taken care of, rendering many of their threats invalid or impossible to fulfill.

I've got a massive painting I've been chipping away at for nearly four years now that is almost ready, and afterwards, I intend to start animating again. I've got a few different animation projects I'm interested in starting/participating in, but organization and planning has never really been my forte so I'll have to summarize this with the good ol' "stay tuned!" saying. I'll also be uploading a few videos to my Youtube channel occasionally, and as my hardware allows, I'll be streaming on Twitch. I can't really say for certain if I'll have something for Madness Day this year, but it's extremely possible. I've also been experimenting with full-body art/animation styles. I assume that as with my art, I'll probably be adapting multiple different styles depending on the animation's tone and whatnot, so that'll be fun.

Anyway, I mostly just wanted to get this off my chest. I feel like there were several different ways I imagined discussing this, even writing up several different drafts, and I ended up doing literally none of those in the end. At some point I just decided that today was the day, I guess.

Alas, there is still much to be done. I'm beginning to feel somewhat like myself once again, at least. Stay safe. Stay groovy. Happy solstice, happy all-the-days, happy new year!

Also here's a small preview of another small painting i just recently finished. This is what it looks like under a blacklight.